*Moderately whingey blog entry to follow. Enter at your own peril.
I have a confession to make.
I’m finding it hard to get over my ego. It’s big, you see. It trips me up, you see. And it bruises and bleeds so easily one would think it was a member of the early Royal Family. (With me? Ding ding!)
Oh, and it demands massages.
Looking at it on paper like that, one might wonder why I even bother keeping the damn thing around.
Last night, you see, as I was sorting out this Gumball Theatre video business onto youtube, I saw the stats for the vids I’ve already got up there. Stats which, might I add, I never actually check.
But last night, I did. And – while I’d so much rather come on this blog now and type away how completely unaffected was I by the entire encounter, given how freaking cool I am – I have to be honest. I was really disheartened.
And the same’s been going for the good ole blog stats (which I do check a little more regularly – though I’d like to think not obsessively – than youtube).
Don’t get me wrong – I do have a loyal bunch over here. And I LOVE you guys for it, truly, madly, deeply! Passionately, even! With lollypops!
However, it is a small loyal bunch. Which is all well and good, except that I’ve been doing this ole blogging thing for a while now and well…it doesn’t seem like much has really changed.
Don’t get me wrong, this is NOT me trying to berate the people who actually come here for all the people who don’t. Not at all. I’m just trying to share the weirdness I’ve been feeling lately on the whole blog and indeed, career front. Which can really be summed up by this: have I been doing enough? And in what I have been doing, have I been doing it right?
And also – is growth the be all and end all? Cos to this point, I’ve kinda felt like it is. That the mark of a successful show/performer/blog is how many bums on seats – cyber or otherwise – there are.
Perhaps I wouldn’t even bother checking my stats if this were just a personal blog. What I mean is that while things do get personal on Comic Mummy, at the end of the day, this whole thing is meant to be a key part of what I do. It’s part of my career.
Which leaves me with yet another question: if things aren’t actually growing – i.e. if I’m getting the same bums on seats but they’re always the same bums on the same seats (jawsome) but with not many newbies either coming in or sticking around (not so jawsome), then what to do?
I’m thinking the options are something like:
1. Change something. Though, when I have gone all “I’m gonna read about BLOG GROWTH” on my own ass, then started applying it, it’s just felt…well, inauthentic.
2. Remind myself that growth can still be present, even if it’s not in terms of actual numbers. i.e. maybe I’m growing in terms of my writing? Let’s see….OIJjosDIFOJ. Not bad.
3. Decide once and for all why I’m actually doing this. And, more to the point, why I’m doing it if it NEVER EVER EVER grows in reader numbers beyond this point.
In summary, I’m now thinking that I’ve gotta work towards a point where I’m actually living the life that I love – including performing and blogging – so that both fit into my life in an awesome way, regardless of what that translates to in terms of “stats”.
i.e. life first, stats later. Or maybe never.
MIND BLOWING REVELATIONS PEOPLE! And it’s only 9am. Imagine what things will look like around here by 11.14!
Actually, scratch that. There is zero chance any housework will have taken place by then.
Purely based on the stats.