In having spent the past 11 days on the other side of the globe from my darling kidlets, I have finally had the space to think about them with the benefit of distance.
In essence, giving myself some love, attention and fuel that I’ve been needing, has actually allowed me to shock, surprise: realise how much I want to be a better parent.
I don’t mean that I felt guilty about going, (though of course, this came up from time to time), but rather, what I’m trying to say is that being away from them turned out to be a really positive thing not just for me, but for them – in that it gave me the space and motivation to lift my game and be better for them. That surprised me.
You see, I was expecting to miss them. I was expecting to crave them. I was even expecting to romanticise them (“Tantrums? What tantrums? Surely you speak only of the rainbows they spew forth from their pinky cherub lips?”)
But what I wasn’t expecting was to actually return with a steely resolve (I love using the word ‘steely’ – it makes me feel all strong and stuff without needing to pump iron or swallow supplements) to be BETTER for them.
I want to read more with and to them.
I want to be more patient.
I want to stop expecting them to be perfect.
I want to play more.
I want to create more rituals in our weekly family life, things they’ll look back on in years to come and remember as “when I was a kid…”isms.
And mostly…I want to ease up on myself and stop beating myself up when I fail. Because – da da da da – and here’s where my thesis on the parallels between parenting and improv may well begin – I am gonna fail. And that’s okay. It’s not the end of the world. And it really is all good…
…so long as I strive to fail graciously.
Would I have reached these realisations without having the time away? Maybe. But in the out-of-my-stride treadmill of chaos that is our daily family life, I honestly find it hard to find the physical and mental space to even get my head around breakfast, let alone the bigger picture of who and what I want to be.
It was only when I made a huge leap – which, I might add, was very much a career-motivated one and thus not really related to my family life in an overly direct sense – away to focus on my own stuff, that I was finally able to see the family forest, trees and all.
Whether my resolve – steely or not – sticks, is another matter.
But for now…I’ll gladly take what I can get.
What about you? How do you fix your own oxygen mask? It surely doesn’t have to be all huge trips away, does it? DOES IT?!?!?!??! Aaagghhhh…..