Category: carers

  I have a song in An Unexpected Variety Show called “Real Love” which has lyrics like: “Will you love me when I’m in a sick old hag, and I’ve traded my Gucci for a bladder bag?” It was inspired by reading about a couple, the woman of which had been in a terrible car accident and how her husband had been so incredible becoming her carer. That, I remember thinking, is real love. When I was caring for Mum, I would berate her often about her unwillingness to ask me for help. She would wait and wait and wait…

My kids are bigger. My thighs are smaller (only just). My job is different. My house is new (to me). My man is new (to me) and incredible (to me and in general). My heart is open again. But the cracks still show. The waves of grief hit less frequently these days, and I recover much quicker. But they can still knock the wind out of me without notice. I’m less focused now on those sad last days and remembering some of the moments when she was alive. Not just living, but truly alive. I remember lying together in my…

Somebody told me recently that they have named grief “The Ninja!” You’re walking down the street, smiling, happy, enjoying your day, when out from nowhere it springs on you, launching a fresh attack that leaves you gasping for air. It’s been nine months today since Mum died. Long enough to incubate a baby from start to finish. Enough time for an entirely new life – one that didn’t even exist before Mum was here – to be created and brought into the world. How can that be? I dream about her all the time. At first the dreams were that…

NOTE: Yesterday morning, after a long night taking shifts with Mum, I took my first shower in days, came back into the room and opened the computer to type. What came out of me was like fire igniting a line of petrol: from my desire to remember all the little moments of what had been the blur of the past few days, I found I had never written so fast in my entire life.  What you are about to read is un-edited as I want to remember this writing blurge in all its raw, flawed glory. Because as I finished…